29.
Today is November 7th and I am officially twenty-nine. Everybody clap! I went through many drafts of this. One of them being a list of things I had learned through my twenty-nine years of being alive. The truth is, however, I don’t know anything and what a relief it is! I don’t understand how the moon can control the ocean. I know that it controls the tides and I think that’s sick but I don’t understand how it works. I don’t understand how airplanes fly and I don’t understand what will happen when I die (not to be morbid on main but I will be excited to find out when the day comes) and I certainly don’t understand anything at all. I have always been curious but I have never wanted to know everything. On the contrary, I hope there is always a question on the tip of my tongue.
I hope that I am never someone who conforms but more like a toddler wondering why, why, why. Why does the moon have phases? Why are they trying to replicate a mammoth? Seriously, have you guys seen that website? Clearly we have not made enough Jurassic Park movies. Why do I cry so much? How can I feel so deeply? I mean, I’m a big fan of anyone who is overly sentimental but I want to understand how it works. Why am I alive? What does it mean to be alive? I don’t actually want to know the answers to this. I don’t think that my little sim brain is meant to know the answer. I’m meant to make a garden salad and maybe own a cow plant but not get into the thick of it.
I feel like I am living well, though. Not as in I’m doing well financially but as in I think I am a good human being. Whatever that means! According to the world wide web the number that represents my life is seven. I am analytical, wise, and honest. I am represented by the chariot because I am on a quest. I’m also a Scorpio which means I am determined, loyal, and — you guessed it, honest. The Death card represents Scorpio and it signifies rebirth or transformation. I feel very identified by both of these.
I think the world is terrifying right now and all the time. I’m also watching the trees outside turn yellow and orange and red and it reminds me that I was born to start again as many times as necessary. It’s cliche as fuck but that is why Autumn is the best time of year. The trees truly do teach us how to live. Sometimes I’m so scared it feels like the end of the world and then I see the face of someone I love and the world has only just begun. If I am remembered for anything in my life I hope it is for how much I loved. For how I loved and showed up for my friends, how I loved my partner, how I loved my family. Most of all — how much I loved and adored myself.
God, she’s my favorite person in the world. When I was in elementary school they’d make us chant I feel great, I like myself, I like myself and that has truly been my life motto since then.
What I hope for my twenty-ninth year of life is for the ability to find myself with more compassion. Not only compassion toward myself but compassion for those around me. I think we live in a world that already has an overflow of hatred and I don’t need to add to it. As an Aquarius Rising like my idol before me, Karl Marx, I also hope for an end to Capitalism. I hope for an end to genocide. I hope for land back for Indigenous people. I hope for a mass immigration reform. I hope for the realization of a world that always feels like it is just out of reach.
